ANGRY?

LET SOMEBODY KNOW

Michael Herbert Shadick, M.A.

As a child, were you taught it’s not O.K. to feel angry? I was! It took me many years of growing up to discover that anger is not only an occasional fact of life, but is a valid human emotion.  Indeed, at times it can be a real blessing, as opposed to the curse I used to believe it was.  It all depends on how you deal with your anger.

Here are four principles to remember whenever you’re angry with someone.  The principles have worked for me, so they ought to work or you!

·        You have the right to your own emotions – the good feelings and the bad;

·        You have the right to not only feel negative emotions, but to express them to others;

·        You have more than the right to express them – you have an obligation.

·        The obligation is to yourself and to those around you.

To honestly express your feelings to others, you first must be honest with yourself.  When you’re angry at someone, don’t try to rationalize your anger away.  Instead, face up to it.  Face up to the fact that you are, indeed, angry. And then think about ways to express how you feel.

Would you like to punch somebody in the nose? Then act it out! Notice I didn’t say do it.  There’s a world of difference! To act out your  grievances, you don’t have to do a thing to anybody.  What you do is tell the person how you feel honestly and forthrightly. Even say, “I feel like punching you in the nose”

Who knows what response you will get!  Honest expression of your true feelings always involves a certain amount of risk.  But one thing is certain:  some good human communication will take place. There is no masking of your emotions; no beating around the bush.  The person will know exactly how you feel!

Who is it you’re angry at! Your boss? Your wife? Your child? Your husband? Your best friend? They not only want to know how you feel; they need to know! Being less than forthright with others is to do an even greater injustice to them than to yourself.  When you hide negative emotions inside yourself, they won’t just go away.  Instead, they will fester and eat away at your emotional innards until you have no choice but to release them. Heaven help the people around you then!

There is no painless way to unload feelings of anger and other negative emotions.  But there is one way which is vastly superior to all the others.  You already know the way.  But do you practice it!

Being honest with others is not only the best way to unload anger; it is the only way if you really care about your relationships.  By telling others how you really feel, you explain any angry behaviour you might be exhibiting. Moreover, you will probably have less of it to exhibit.  In the mere act of telling someone that you’re angry, you will likely soothe your anger.  It might even disappear altogether, especially when the person gets a chance to explain his or her behaviour which angered you in the first place.  You could very well discover some extenuating circumstances which you didn’t know about, thus shedding a whole new light on the matter.  But you’ll never find out if you fail to tell the person how you honestly feel!

What about the other person – how will he feel about your anger? Better than you think, most likely! For now, he will know a little more about you, about whom you are, and about why you behave the way you do. None of us is perfect, and the person will be happy to welcome you back into the human race? After all, anger is only human. Indeed, it is perhaps the most human of all emotions.  So for you to express it to others is not only human, but humane.  You’re being good to those around you, as well as to yourself!

Hiding anger inside yourself can only harm you and in time, seriously jeopardize all your relationships with others. Releasing your anger before it festers and builds up inside you is not only good, it is imperative.  Your relationships may very well depend on it.  Do you think enough of yourself, and especially of others, to do it?   K